Humour

“Dear Mr. Prime”

Dear Mr. Prime,

We have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.

Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either “Sneak attack by Decepticons” or “Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for all sentient beings.”

[…]

Don’t Fuck With Lawyers

I can’t quote the whole thing because B3TA is so notoriously litigious – ok, cos it’s not fair to them or the author – but if you have or respect a mean streak, you should read the rest of this. It takes the whole paying-in-pennies thing to a whole new level, plus there’s a sting.

My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He loves nothing better than annoying people and suppliers who piss him off, nothing bad, just minor spats. He loves doing really pointless but perfectly legal things. This is my absolute favourite petty revenge story of all time.

Dad has queried an outstanding payment to an office supplier, its about £3800. He contested it and basically dragged out payment for months. Eventually, he agreed that if they sent someone round he’d pay them cash.

In the mean time, he went to the bank and after discussion with the bank manager, worked out what the legal minimum denomination of notes and coins could be used.

He also went to the garden centre and purchased a cheap, yet sturdy black dustbin.

[]

Sounds like a middle-aged Mulley to-be to me.

Security Public Relations Excuse Bingo

Via Bruce, who features himself. :)

I’m going to be naughty and paste all the items, otherwise you’d be there all day hitting refresh.

  • You’re so negative
  • Our proactive technology solutions prevent that
  • Our proprietary encryption algorithms prevent that
  • We have CISSP certified engineers
  • That’s just theoretical mumbo-jumbo
  • You’ll be hearing from our lawyers
  • You’ve got a conflict of interest
  • That’s only there for backward compatibility
  • We meet all government standards
  • We meet all industry standards
  • It doesn’t need to be very secure
  • Nothing is 100% secure
  • We take security very seriously
  • We don’t comment on security matters
  • No comment
  • You are in violation of the DMCA
  • We already knew about it
  • Nobody will ever try to do this
  • What kind of a person looks for flaws?
  • No one would ever think of that
  • Our success speaks for itself
  • You’re paranoid
  • You’re just an academic
  • You’re only helping the bad guys
  • Why do you hate America?
  • You don’t understand the context
  • The product was tested by security experts
  • We employ top security experts
  • Who are you to criticize, anyway?
  • This is probably fixed in the next release
  • No one has complained before
  • No one has ever found any problems
  • It’s a feature our users want
  • Let’s see you design something better
  • You’re just looking for attention
  • You must be being paid by our competition
  • We’ve always done it this way
  • Everybody does it this way
  • We follow industry standard practices
  • We think it is secure enough
  • You’re being irresponsible
  • If you hadn’t told anyone, it would still be secure
  • La, la, la we’re not listening
  • It’s secure enough for our customers
  • We use crypto- graphy
  • We read Schneier’s book
  • What do you have against us?
  • Why are you trying to harm our industry?
  • It would be too expensive to fix that
  • Our customers love our product
  • We’re fully ISO-9001 compliant
  • Nobody’s perfect

This week’s ENN faux pas

ENN: “In a lesson no doubt relevant to Irish banks, Britain’s banking sector has been told to jizz up its customer databases to effectively target the female market.”

It’s “jazz” Maxim. Jizz is something completely different.

Apple Unveils Product-Unveiling Product

SAN FRANCISCO—At a highly anticipated media event Tuesday at San Francisco’s Moscone Center, Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs introduced a new Apple product he said would “revolutionize” the process of unveiling new products throughout the world.

apple-unveilsarticle.jpg

Legend!

Ok, it’s the Daily Mail, but still. :)

The Daily Mail: A man who was fed up with paying massive bank charges decided to give one of the high street giants a taste of its own medicine.

When Royal Bank of Scotland refused to refund £3,400 charges that Declan Purcell believed he was owed, he sent in the bailiffs.

Stunned customers at his branch of RBS watched as debt collectors seized four computers, two fax machines and a till filled with cash.

The branch manager was told that the items would be sold unless RBS came up with the money owed to Mr Purcell.

Only when the manager gave an undertaking that the debt would be paid did the bailiffs leave.