Jazz sans Dubs, October 30

If you're anything like me, you're not averse to jazz, but the thought of travelling into town only to be jostled and shoved by wandering hordes of Dubs and other foreigners during the Jazz Festival is practically vomit-inducing.

Therefore I, your leader, have organised an alternative this October, in the Capital of the European Capital of Culture, my gaff. Even Dubs are welcome, as long as they attend one of my Groping Masterclasses.

The theme of the event is, rather predictably, Jazz. So grab a jazz hat and stripey shirt, dig out your grandad's shirt-suspender things, throw on some bright red braces, and try to look sort of jazzy in general.

I'll have some smooth jazz licks lined up on the mp3 player, and my own private jazz band will be in the corner ready to take your requests. Nibbles and dips will be available, as well as the mini sausage rolls required by law.

Since there'll be lots of parties on that weekend, please reply to the email you received, so I can plan to take over nearby apartments, or find another party if you're all too bloody ignorant to attend mine.